LIFE......with a new fear 😐

A cancer diagnosis and looking ahead to a year of treatments was so scary. But let me tell you what was almost as scary.....that day, a little more than a year ago, when I took my last herceptin infusion!

The end of a successful cancer treatment journey is such a celebration!  I praised God it was over and I was cured!  But what I wasn't prepared for was the new fear, a very real fear of recurrence. I realized I was on my own now. No more herceptin.  My port was gone.  I was no longer receiving any of those wonderful drugs to kill and/or prevent cancer cells. It was like freewheeling...hydroplaning....losing control.  It was totally up to my body to put the brakes on if a healthy cell tried to mutate into cancer.  That's a scary thought!  And it was evident that this new fear could consume me.

Dr. Chumsri is the absolute best! 

Last year with a diagnosis of osteopenia caused by the chemotherapy I knew resistance training and physical activity was important to build back my bones.  So that's what I did!  Our bodies survive on what we eat and drink.  So consuming nutritional foods and beverages became very important.....most of the time!  Everybody needs a glass of wine and chicken wings occasionally! And that leads me to my emotional health.....and fears.  Happiness, love, fun and quality of life are worth more than we give credit to stay healthy.

Last month as my scans and appointments approached I found myself preparing for the worst.  Even though I felt so good.....that fear was big.  But after all of the testing I got the good news and was jumping up and down cheering!  I decided that going forward I had to let my faith in God and faith in myself be stronger than my fear.

I worry......of course.  Do I let it consume me...absolutely not.  I live my life the fullest and healthiest that I can.  I try to make good decisions and I enjoy myself.  I love.  I pray.  I give thanks.  When I have aches and pains I sometimes have to fight the fear because I know........cancer can have a mind of it's own.  But I refuse to live in fear!  I choose to be brave and live life without fear.  

It's been an awesome year full of love and life!

Autumn Grace

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27 NIV

The Finish Line is in Sight!

Two down......28 to go! I started radiation yesterday. Last week I was scanned and marked and evaluated so my "design" could be completed. Yesterday all I had to do was show up. I was shown where to change and leave my belongings, then I was led to the radiation room. There was this moment the technicians and I just stood there looking at each other. Elton John was playing on their radio. It was so cold in there. Time felt frozen. Eventually the technician said..."Are you ready? You're going to have to lay down."  I had such a mix of emotions. I was thrilled to make it this far in this journey but scared of the unknown. I knew I had to do this so I stretched out on the table in my previously made body mold (intended to keep you in the same position every time so the radiation doesn't zap anything it's not supposed to!)   The two technicians immediately began adjusting me and the machine lurking over me when I felt it start. I felt overwhelmed. I tried so hard to stop it but I could feel the tears welling up. Oh mercy stop....think of the beach or a glass of wine or anything else...but then I felt them running down my cheeks. The technicians were so sweet and understanding.  They asked did I need some time. One even got a tissue and dabbed my face (remember I'm stretched out on this hard table with both arms over my head). But I said let's do this. I promise I'll get myself together and be ok!  Well about 5 minutes later we were done!  Not embarrassing at all!  

Today I walked in with a smile!  I changed into that beautiful gown they provide, went to the radiation room, put my key on the counter and got on the table!  I was ready!

Five days a week for six weeks!  I can do this!

 Survivor Carnations

I had another "first" this weekend. I attended my first Breast Cancer fundraising and awareness event. We went to the Dragon Boat Festival in downtown Jacksonville, FL. Wow! There were three boats that raced with nothing but breast cancer survivors! The strength and passion in this event was moving. I just stood back and watched. To see such a large gathering of breast cancer survivors together and all receive pink carnations was emotional. But as they all moved towards the beautiful St. Johns River, some with teary eyes and some kissing their flower, they began one by one tossing them in the water. It was as if they were all tossing the bad memories away and moving on with their lives.  It's hard to explain the way it made me feel. I realized even though I'm not finished with treatments....I'm a survivor too!  All the proceeds went to a local organization called In the Pink - A Boutique for Women Living With Cancer.

22 Women Per Boat x 3 boats = 66 Breast Cancer Survivors!

Support Team Witherspoon

Saturday October 10, 2015 is the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 5k in Orange Park, FL. I want to see a world without breast cancer!  It should never be allowed to steal a year from another person's life like it has mine. Nobody should ever have to live with the fear of recurrence or watch someone they love suffer.  I can't do this alone but Team Witherspoon can make a difference. I need everyone to join the efforts of our team. If coming out to walk isn't an option, you can sponsor our team with a donation. Every little bit helps. Any amount can make a difference. 

Click here to join Team Witherspoon and/or make a donation to support our team.

Me and Max

As always, thank you all for your love and prayers.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

Colossians 3:12 NIV

WHAT ARE THE ODDS ?!?!

Imagine being on a journey. The train stops. You get off. Feeling pretty good and ready to face the world. The train full of people pulls out of the station. Then it happens. You hear the collision. The train crashes.  You can't see it but you close your eyes and in your head you see it all. 

Dr. Bagaria, my breast surgeon, called almost a week after my surgery. The pathology report was back and he was happy to report that the initial findings were correct. The chemo had killed all the cancer in my breast and lymph nodes. I was ready to cruise through radiation now because life is good!  He then told me that Dr. Robertson, my gynecologic oncology surgeon, would call with the fallopian tubes/ovaries report.  That threw up a flag. Why couldn't he just tell me everything was fine?  The next day I got the call. At first all I heard was "let me explain what we found".....then several long words followed by the word "carcinoma".  After that, everything he said sounded like the school teacher from the Peanuts cartoon.......wah wah wawah wah.  Then it all started in my head. The wreck. The pain and suffering of watching my Mom's two year fight with ovarian cancer. The fight against almost inevitable statistics. The long days and nights in the hospital. The prayers. Falling to my knees begging God to save her. But the wreck in my head only got worse. I saw the broken heart of my Dad.  Watching the love of his life for almost 50 years try so hard.  His heart attack.  His emergency open heart bypass surgery.  My Dad in ICU. My Mom in critical care.  A horrible crash.  

But then I heard Dr. Robertson say something I've never had a doctor tell me. "God is looking out for you!"  I quickly opened my eyes. 

What are the odds?  A normal mammogram but enlarged nodes.  That leads to treatable/curable breast cancer but during diagnostic testing they find my mucinous appendix.  And that leads to a breast surgeon with an interest in diseases of the appendix.  The discussion of removing my appendix during breast surgery leads to......"we're going to be in the abdomen so let's remove the ovaries." 

What are the odds?  What are the odds that removing my fallopian tubes and ovaries would lead to the discovery of serous tubal intraepithelial carcinoma (STIC)? And what does this mean?

What we are learning is that most ovarian cancer starts in the distal end of the fallopian tube as STIC lesions.  This is the precursor of high grade serous ovarian carcinoma. Within 3-5 years this usually develops into full blown ovarian cancer. These lesions are very rarely found this early except in BRCA positive patients undergoing preventative surgery.  Ovarian cancer has very few symptoms until it has spread - when it's usually too late.  This explains the poor prognosis for most ovarian cancer patients.  These cells were microscopic and all contained within my right fallopian tube.  But the most important part is mine are gone. Totally removed. What are the odds? Is it crazy to say my breast cancer saved my life?  This all brings a new meaning to the saying....things happen for a reason. Never question. Never doubt. God is in control. 

I've experienced a whirlwind of emotions.  Some I can't even explain.  I know I've been blessed.  I'm counting my lucky stars.  But what about those still on the train? The feelings of responsibility to help them are overwhelming.  I've prayed many prayers of thanks to God. But I'm also praying for God to give me guidance. To point me in the right direction to help them. And I'm confident he will. 

"From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
Psalm 61:2 KJV

Life goes on....even with cancer.

What do you do when it feels like the world keeps turning and life goes on for everyone else but you? Sometimes it feels like my world has stopped.  How do I find a new purpose?  I was determined to stay positive and happy. I was determined to not let breast cancer define who I am.  But I've been thrown into a new world of life with cancer. And I'm slowly learning that doesn't mean I have to leave the old life behind....but instead I'm forced to add a new dimension. My love for music and books and HGTV are still there but I'm also learning about chemotherapy and cures.  Seems surreal at times but it is what it is.  And much thanks to John for my new Mumford & Sons albums!

I've successfully completed the first four cycles of Taxol, Herceptin and Perjeta. Only eight more to go!  Once a week I go get comfy, take the Benadryl and BOOM...wake up a few hours later and I'm done!  One step closer.

We started discussing surgery in more detail this week because after chemo that's coming up next. So what do I do.....another decision. Since I've responded extremely well thus far to the treatments and its reduced the cancer cells drastically, there is a possible option of a clinical trial that would mean not removing all the lymph nodes.  And not removing lymph nodes reduces the risk of  Lymphedema. Oh the things I'm learning!  It's a randomized trial which means I don't choose my option, a computer does. But I would know if they're removing them or using the new radiation option prior to surgery. Is it a gamble?  After more information and much prayer I hope I'll feel good about a decision.  But in the meantime, I'm open to opinions!

Comparison of Axillary Lymph Node Dissection With Axillary Radiation for Patients With Node Positive Breast Cancer Treated With Chemotherapy

Maybe my world as I knew it stopped and I'm just rotating on a different axis for awhile. I'm sure God has a purpose with all of this and maybe my mission is to figure out what it is or maybe my mission is to learn to live with it and not question.  Some days I'm afraid and I start sinking but I'm thankful for the hand of God and my faith. 

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:30-31 NIV)