LIFE......with a new fear 😐

A cancer diagnosis and looking ahead to a year of treatments was so scary. But let me tell you what was almost as scary.....that day, a little more than a year ago, when I took my last herceptin infusion!

The end of a successful cancer treatment journey is such a celebration!  I praised God it was over and I was cured!  But what I wasn't prepared for was the new fear, a very real fear of recurrence. I realized I was on my own now. No more herceptin.  My port was gone.  I was no longer receiving any of those wonderful drugs to kill and/or prevent cancer cells. It was like freewheeling...hydroplaning....losing control.  It was totally up to my body to put the brakes on if a healthy cell tried to mutate into cancer.  That's a scary thought!  And it was evident that this new fear could consume me.

Dr. Chumsri is the absolute best! 

Last year with a diagnosis of osteopenia caused by the chemotherapy I knew resistance training and physical activity was important to build back my bones.  So that's what I did!  Our bodies survive on what we eat and drink.  So consuming nutritional foods and beverages became very important.....most of the time!  Everybody needs a glass of wine and chicken wings occasionally! And that leads me to my emotional health.....and fears.  Happiness, love, fun and quality of life are worth more than we give credit to stay healthy.

Last month as my scans and appointments approached I found myself preparing for the worst.  Even though I felt so good.....that fear was big.  But after all of the testing I got the good news and was jumping up and down cheering!  I decided that going forward I had to let my faith in God and faith in myself be stronger than my fear.

I worry......of course.  Do I let it consume me...absolutely not.  I live my life the fullest and healthiest that I can.  I try to make good decisions and I enjoy myself.  I love.  I pray.  I give thanks.  When I have aches and pains I sometimes have to fight the fear because I know........cancer can have a mind of it's own.  But I refuse to live in fear!  I choose to be brave and live life without fear.  

It's been an awesome year full of love and life!

Autumn Grace

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27 NIV

Surgery....✔️

The anticipation of surgery day, September 3, 2015 was almost torturous!  I'd never had surgery so I had no idea what to expect. But I was ready to take it on. I was ready to do whatever I needed to continue this journey to become cancer free.  I had several weeks after my last chemo to go home and spend time with family and friends, help out with the ALWS, and spend a little time resting at my Dad's before returning to Jacksonville for the next BIG step.

I had a lot of confidence in both surgeons but was still an absolute wreck.....until "Happy Hour" in the prep room!  Oh mercy!  If I could remember any of it I think I should be embarrassed!  I've been told I was talking to everybody, telling jokes and making new Facebook friends! I even offered to make Pink Lemonade Martinis for everyone!


I was having so much fun I almost forgot I was there for surgery! Anyways, they used laparoscopic surgery to  remove both ovaries, Fallopian tubes and my appendix. They also removed the tumor area from my breast with the help of the radioactive seed that had been placed. Now for the lymph nodes. As most of you know, I was very worried about that. So they used a dye to identify my sentinel lymph nodes and removed 4 of them. The pathologist checked them immediately and they were astonished to find no cancer. There was only scar tissue where the cancer had been! They will look at them closer to make sure the margins are clear but I'm sure it's gone!


Recovery is going well and I'm ready for the next step. Radiation Therapy. In the words of my friend Carol...cancer hi-jacked my life for a year and I'm ready to get it back!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Wear It Proudly

I will never forget the day in February 2015.  The day my doctor looked me straight in the eyes and said "it's breast cancer".  It didn't seem real but it was. She then handed me a folder of literature and a big Mayo Clinic Breast Cancer Book.  I remember walking out into the waiting room....I was trying to hide the book. I was embarrassed.  I didn't want anybody to know I had breast cancer. Even to this day I'm not sure why. Maybe I thought I had done something wrong or I thought I was weak. Maybe I was just scared.

I realized just how far I've come the other day when I saw this little gem and knew I had to have it.

I realized I have a responsibility to help stop this disease and that awareness is important.  So I now wear it proudly.  I'm beating breast cancer and doing what I can to help find a cure.  I want people to know it.

Not only is awareness important but also funds for research.  I've set a goal to participate in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 5k in October.  More information to come about how you can help!

"My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck.” (Proverbs 3:21-22  NIV)

Life goes on....even with cancer.

What do you do when it feels like the world keeps turning and life goes on for everyone else but you? Sometimes it feels like my world has stopped.  How do I find a new purpose?  I was determined to stay positive and happy. I was determined to not let breast cancer define who I am.  But I've been thrown into a new world of life with cancer. And I'm slowly learning that doesn't mean I have to leave the old life behind....but instead I'm forced to add a new dimension. My love for music and books and HGTV are still there but I'm also learning about chemotherapy and cures.  Seems surreal at times but it is what it is.  And much thanks to John for my new Mumford & Sons albums!

I've successfully completed the first four cycles of Taxol, Herceptin and Perjeta. Only eight more to go!  Once a week I go get comfy, take the Benadryl and BOOM...wake up a few hours later and I'm done!  One step closer.

We started discussing surgery in more detail this week because after chemo that's coming up next. So what do I do.....another decision. Since I've responded extremely well thus far to the treatments and its reduced the cancer cells drastically, there is a possible option of a clinical trial that would mean not removing all the lymph nodes.  And not removing lymph nodes reduces the risk of  Lymphedema. Oh the things I'm learning!  It's a randomized trial which means I don't choose my option, a computer does. But I would know if they're removing them or using the new radiation option prior to surgery. Is it a gamble?  After more information and much prayer I hope I'll feel good about a decision.  But in the meantime, I'm open to opinions!

Comparison of Axillary Lymph Node Dissection With Axillary Radiation for Patients With Node Positive Breast Cancer Treated With Chemotherapy

Maybe my world as I knew it stopped and I'm just rotating on a different axis for awhile. I'm sure God has a purpose with all of this and maybe my mission is to figure out what it is or maybe my mission is to learn to live with it and not question.  Some days I'm afraid and I start sinking but I'm thankful for the hand of God and my faith. 

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:30-31 NIV)

Farewell to the Red Devil !

Last week we got to take a little mini vacation to Alabama to visit with my Dad. It was heavenly! He cooked delicious homemade meals determined to fatten me back up!  And the next best part...sitting by the water on the pier!  We moved around some when I was young but having a cabin on the river made Fish River more like home....a constant place...spending weekends, vacations and holidays there. I spent countless hours during the days roaming up and down the river with my brothers swimming and fishing and playing a little croaker badminton (just use your imagination!).  And evenings enjoying family dinners of the "catch of the day" and playing Chinese checkers. Then falling asleep to the sounds of the crickets and frogs. So you can imagine after the extreme emotions of the past couple months the feelings I had when I sat down and felt the warm breeze on my face and smelled the familiar river air.  Tears just flowed. Happy tears. Refreshing. It was just what I needed to gather strength for my last encounter with the "Red Devil"!

But I did it....now I am done with the "Red Devil"!  Four cycles completed with minimal side effects and problems. I did develop a fever and cough which they treated with a wicked strong antibiotic. I am so grateful for my amazing doctors and nurses at Mayo Clinic. Next week involves testing to check my response and health (MRI, echo cardiogram, pulmonary testing) then on to the next phase. Twelve weekly cycles of low dose chemo with two targeted therapies. I'm ready for the cure!  I'm learning as with any goal to focus on the end but a day at a time. Enjoying the happy moments along the way and thanking God for them.

Much love and thanks to everyone for all the prayers and love I'm receiving every day.  I feel and appreciate it more than you can ever imagine.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. (Psalms 23:1-6 KJV)

Onward, Christian Soldiers

Onward, Christian Soldiers.....This was my favorite hymn growing up in a small Episcopal church.  I remember as a kid singing it at the top of my lungs marching like a brave soldier around the tables in Sunday school. I'm pretty sure during my second chemo treatment this week that I saw little Christian soldiers, not the Red Devil, with red banners marching in to war.  Or possibly it was those steroids they pre-treat me with first to prepare for the hard stuff. For some reason it sends me into hysterical laughing....the kind that starts out as a snort but ends in a silent, trying to breathe laugh. Just ask my daughter Ashley, who watched in shock. Her reaction made me laugh harder. It's somewhat embarrassing....but much better than crying.  A Silver Lining.  The rest of the day wasn't very good and involved taking all three of my nausea medications. The last one knocked me out and I slept the rest of the night. Another Silver Lining.

I woke the next morning feeling pretty good and was greeted with a surprise...handfuls of hair!  But I was shortly greeted with a more pleasant surprise. My good friend and Soul Sister Melissa was coming through town and with a pair of kitchen shears gave me a beautiful new short hair cut!  My second big cut in a month. My sweet neighbor Jackie had already cut it short once which prepared me.  One more Silver Lining. I still have hair...well a little bit!

There are so many Silver Linings in every aspect of life if you look for them. Let me explain. My life long friend Tammy, who I've known since three years old and love dearly was diagnosed last year with breast cancer. And she received a beautifully written and illustrated book from a survivor friend of hers.  Tammy has successfully completed her treatments now and has passed this book on to me. I couldn't put it down. Written by a breast cancer survivor, who happens to be a hospice nurse/social worker, who experienced every horrible side effect possible of this journey but chose to find The Silver Lining in everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING!  Such a blessing full of ideas and tips and encouragement. And the author's close friend photographer has filled the book with beautiful photographs. Definitely a Silver Lining for me!

The Silver Lining by Hollye Jacobs, RN, MS, MSW

Photographs by Elizabeth Messina

And help me celebrate with my good friend Carol who after today has one more week of radiation! She too has given me an unbelievable amount of support and encouragement. Let's pray for her as she prepares to start her life again....cancer free!  Such a Silver Lining!  

Much love to all my family, beautiful Soul Sisters and friends and all of those sending prayers, encouragement and love our way. I feel it in my heart and thank God for you all every day. You are my Silver Linings! 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)

IDC HER2neu+

One in eight...look at your circle of friends. Who will it be?  Breast cancer doesn't have a schedule. Breast cancer doesn't care what your plans are. One day it's just there. And your life changes in an instant. You will never be the same again. 

It's time to find the cure.

American Cancer Society

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