Life goes on....even with cancer.

What do you do when it feels like the world keeps turning and life goes on for everyone else but you? Sometimes it feels like my world has stopped.  How do I find a new purpose?  I was determined to stay positive and happy. I was determined to not let breast cancer define who I am.  But I've been thrown into a new world of life with cancer. And I'm slowly learning that doesn't mean I have to leave the old life behind....but instead I'm forced to add a new dimension. My love for music and books and HGTV are still there but I'm also learning about chemotherapy and cures.  Seems surreal at times but it is what it is.  And much thanks to John for my new Mumford & Sons albums!

I've successfully completed the first four cycles of Taxol, Herceptin and Perjeta. Only eight more to go!  Once a week I go get comfy, take the Benadryl and BOOM...wake up a few hours later and I'm done!  One step closer.

We started discussing surgery in more detail this week because after chemo that's coming up next. So what do I do.....another decision. Since I've responded extremely well thus far to the treatments and its reduced the cancer cells drastically, there is a possible option of a clinical trial that would mean not removing all the lymph nodes.  And not removing lymph nodes reduces the risk of  Lymphedema. Oh the things I'm learning!  It's a randomized trial which means I don't choose my option, a computer does. But I would know if they're removing them or using the new radiation option prior to surgery. Is it a gamble?  After more information and much prayer I hope I'll feel good about a decision.  But in the meantime, I'm open to opinions!

Comparison of Axillary Lymph Node Dissection With Axillary Radiation for Patients With Node Positive Breast Cancer Treated With Chemotherapy

Maybe my world as I knew it stopped and I'm just rotating on a different axis for awhile. I'm sure God has a purpose with all of this and maybe my mission is to figure out what it is or maybe my mission is to learn to live with it and not question.  Some days I'm afraid and I start sinking but I'm thankful for the hand of God and my faith. 

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:30-31 NIV)

The Face of God

What a month! A lot has happened but I'll try to catch up! Started out with my normal post AC chemo blood cell slump, leaving me tired and fatigued. Because that completed the AC treatments and  I was preparing to start the THP next they scheduled tests. The Pulmonary Function Test was...well lots of breathing. It wasn't bad until she pulled a set of steps out, started a ticker and said....one tick is up the next tick is down...3 minutes non stop. Believe me, after a minute I was looking for the face of God to rescue me. The chest X-ray was uneventful other than I obviously wasn't leaning in far enough so he told me to put my hands on my hips then lean in. If you know me you know that hands on the hips is a normal stance for me. Haha! The best part is that my new watch showed up in the X-ray!  I thought that was pretty funny.

The week continued with an echocardiogram which showed a healthy heart and then an MRI to determine how well the chemo has worked. It showed the lump was GONE and the lymph node greatly reduced.  THANK GOD!  That was extremely good news but I continued to feel bad.  I went in for fluids the Friday before Mother's Day which made me feel a little better along with a BIG surprise visit from John and Ashley that weekend. It was such a blessing having them here!  Nothing better than pancakes and sausage for breakfast on Mother's Day!

Even though I still didn't feel well, that Wednesday I spent 5 hours in the chemo lab receiving the new THP chemo which was supposed to be easier on my body.  But I felt horrible!  I started dropping weight and wasn't able to eat or drink.  Then I had a few days unable to get off the sofa, then the chills and  fever started. They sent me to the Mayo Clinic Hospital Emergency Department where they immediately admitted me and started massive antibiotics.  I spent 5 days in the hospital while they "looked" for the infection.  It was tortuous!  I begged every one to make me feel better. I begged God to make the fevers and chills stop. I begged the nurses to stop poking  needles in me. I was so ready to give up I was begging everyone I know for prayers. I couldn't breath. I couldn't stop coughing. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't walk. I couldn't tolerate it any longer when they finally came and said they found a bacterial infection in my lung. They said they were testing antibiotics to determine which one would kill it. Once they gave me the one that worked it was amazing how quickly I started feeling better! So after chest X-rays, lung scans, ultrasounds on my legs and heart, barium swallow test, being put on oxygen and receiving a unit of blood I finally started feeling human again.  I did feel blessed during the week when Ashley showed up, we were totally exhausted and she helped with questions for the doctors and homemade meals she brought to the hospital.

And then the night I came home from the hospital my BFF and Soul Sister DeeDee came and spent the weekend catching up with girl talk and helping me enjoy my new found appetite!  It was wonderful!  It was just what I needed. I've since had another two THP treatments with no problems. I've felt great and slowly gaining some strength.

This journey is long. And it's not easy. It's scary.... I look for the face of God everywhere. I see Him in the nurses and doctors, my family and friends, the other patients I see suffering and their families, my new neighbors and the stranger that holds the door and smiles.  It keeps me going. I know without doubt that God is surrounding me and them. I give thanks for every one because I feel all the prayers for me. I feel certain that one day I'll see this journey as a blessing rather than the struggle I feel now And I'm certain God is protecting me.  I thank everybody for the love and support and mostly the prayers. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)